Somewhere In Between
by Shelly1
Summary: Set in s5, I decided to let D/J be together in college. Of course, angst ensues. I'm doing what the TPTB never had the courage (or talent) to do.
1. Joey's POV

Disclaimer: Okay, guys, it is obvious that I do not own Dawson's Creek. If I did, do you really think the show would've became the joke it now officially is?? I think not...  
  
Spoilers: It contains "spoilers" from the Pilot to the Season 4 finale. I've been told this part is kind of a tearjerker. Don't say I didn't warn you... :)  
  
Summary: This is set in s5. I decided to let D/J be together in college. I'm doing what the TIIC never had the courage (or talent) to do. This part is from Joey's POV.  
  
Author's Note: This is my way of trying to make sense of s3 and s4. Kinda of an AU from Coda on - nothing in s5 or s6 happened. I'm thinking I need to do a fic like this one to make sense of s5 and s6. *sigh* Title and lyrics are from a song by the group `Lifehouse.' This is dedicated to all my fellow D&Jers. Your friendship has made all of this worthwhile...

  
_I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't  
And now I cannot stop pacing  
Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out  
If my mind would just stop racing_

Cause I cannot stand still  
I can't be this unsturdy  
This cannot be happening

I sit staring out the window, darkness all around me. I play with my necklace out of habit and ponder the events of the past few years. So many life altering moments. They come in all shapes and sizes. Whether it was a kiss, the death of a loved one, going off to college, or meeting the person I'm destined to love forever, my moments have come when I least expected them. 

I think I've had more life altering moments than most people. Some have been deplorable such as my mother dying and my father being sent to jail for trafficking drugs… twice. But most of these moments have been good, wonderful, amazing. Meeting Dawson when I was six, Dawson kissing me as I was about to climb out his window, getting accepted into Worthington, Dawson giving me the money to go to Worthington, Dawson giving me my necklace… the list goes on and on. 

Some would say that perhaps I'm not taking the words "life-altering" seriously enough. But I'd say that you haven't lived my life. You don't know my constant struggles. Stand in my shoes and maybe, just maybe, you'd understand…

How do you deal with being confronted with a love so deep it scares you… when you're fifteen? How do you find yourself when everything you love is wrapped up in one person? How do you love someone else when the love of your life is standing in the background, waiting patiently? How do you deal with someone loving you so selflessly and completely that they put your every hope and every need above theirs?

I've struggled with these questions every minute of every hour of every day. At first, I felt burdened, suffocated by this love. I just wanted to find out if I could be a whole person… alone. I tried hiding from him. I tried pushing him away. But time and time again, I found myself back in the same place, his arms. Though it's hard for me to admit, his arms are the only place I've ever felt truly safe, truly home. 

I spent so much energy trying to get out of his shadow that somehow I lost him along the way. Okay, I didn't lose him. I pushed him away. He put me and my life above his need to be with me. He found out my dad was dealing drugs again and didn't want to hurt me so he kept quiet. 

He asked me if I would always love him and at the time, I didn't understand how he could ask such a thing. Not love him? How could I not? Naively, I told him that this didn't matter. That we get the happy ending. Looking back, I realize that I will always love him and that this is what matters. Our lives could end tomorrow and our "happy ending" would never come. Every day, I try to show him in countless ways how much I love him. 

He kept quiet about my father until the night we all almost died… from a fire set by a drug dealer wanting to get rid of my father. Dawson risked our relationship to keep me safe. He knew I would hate him for making me turn in my own father. But he pushed me into doing the right thing… as always. I betrayed my father and hated myself for it. Deep down, I knew that I was doing the right thing but that didn't make it any easier.

In my anger, I lashed out at Dawson. I told him I didn't want to know him anymore. Once again, my father was abandoning me and I was scared to death that Dawson would leave me, too. This has always been my biggest fear, not having Dawson in my life. So, I pushed him away with hateful words, certain that he was disgusted by me, my family, my weaknesses. 

I cringe when I think of how much I must have hurt him. He only did it because he cares about me so much more than he cares about himself. And how did I repay him? I broke his heart. Again. I am so grateful that he still loves me. I'm so lucky.

He was gone for the summer and I missed him so much, I ached. And as always, he came back. But instead of chasing after me as he always did, he chased any blonde bimbo in a short skirt. I was appalled, angry…. but most of all, I was jealous beyond belief. I couldn't believe that he wasn't sitting in his room, waiting for me.

And what did I do? Brilliant girl that I am? I decided that would get him back with the one thing that no male would be able to resist - sex. I underestimated him, though. It wasn't the first time and definitely not the last. He knew that us having sex that day would ruin everything. 

To my own chagrin, I was so humiliated that I kept my distance from him. I later found out that he put his best male friend in charge of looking after me. He wanted to make sure that I was safe, that I was okay. He loves me that much. I'm not afraid of that now.

The thought that he would rather chase after other girls became too much of me. I began looking elsewhere for comfort, for love. Unfortunately, I found it in the one place that would change all of our lives forever – his best friend. I knew that it was wrong at the time but I thought that Pacey was all I had. I felt like he kept me sane when I thought Dawson had abandoned me. He had become the new Dawson in my life.

The day that Dawson found out about us was one of the worst days of my life. Seeing that betrayed look on his face shattered my heart into a million different pieces. For the very first time in my life, I couldn't see his love for me in his eyes. I had finally succeeded in driving him away forever. Or so I thought at the time…

He looked at me with such contempt, such… loathing. It almost killed me to see him looking at me like that. It scared me but in all honesty, it didn't surprise me. I knew that he had always put me up on a pedestal. He didn't think I was capable of hurting him that much. I always seem to hurt those I love the most… especially him…

We fought that day. He gave me an ultimatum… told me I had to choose. How could I do that? How could I choose between the two of them? In the end, I did. I had no choice. I chose him, my soulmate. I chose the one person that I knew that could never live without. 

Ironically, I did end up living without him… for three whole months. He set me free, free to sail away with Pacey. Free for Pacey to be that summer's Paris. He loved me too much to keep me chained to him with memories of what we once had. He wanted me to love him… but not because he left me with no other choice.

Coming back to Capeside after the summer with Pacey, I realized I missed him more that I would ever admit. I had found a new love but that didn't change my feelings for him. I still loved him… I just wasn't ready for his love. 

Seeing him for the first time in months was surreal. He looked so good. Better than I ever thought he could. For the first time, I saw him as the world must see him, a man. For so long I had seen him as "little Dawson," the boy down the creek who would always love me unconditionally. I saw so much pain in his eyes that day… and I couldn't stand that I had caused it.

I gave him a present that night when he drove me home. He accepted it graciously then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't sure he wanted us to be friends. I was shocked. How could he give up seventeen years of friendship? But when I saw the pain in his eyes, I knew that I had no right to question him. I had hurt him so much that I wondered at that moment if he would ever even let me back into his life.

I was lost. I didn't know what to do. I had literally lost my best friend and I had no one to blame but myself. I hadn't ever really believed that he would ever not want me in his life. It was unfathomable. Without Dawson, who was I? If I couldn't have Dawson, I would have to cling to the one thing I had left… Pacey. 

And cling I did. Pacey was so insecure throughout our relationship that I even did the unthinkable. I trivialized my relationship with Dawson. I said everything and anything that I could think of to make Pacey feel like he wasn't second best. I really don't regret my time with Pacey, just that I minimized my feelings for Dawson to make him happy. 

But I did it all to hold onto the only person I left like still cared about me. Sure, Bessie, Bodie and Alex all cared about me but they had their own lives to live. Looking back, I should've depended on them more but I had felt like I'd been a constant burden to them since the day Bessie had become my surrogate mother.

As that year went on, I began to see in little ways how much Dawson had matured. He eventually accepted my relationship with Pacey… much more than I had ever expected him to. I could see that he truly just wanted me to be happy. But then he started dating Gretchen, Pacey's sister. This killed me (and Pacey too, I'm sure) but neither of us had the right to say anything. Pacey tried to gently steer him away from her and vice versa but it didn't work.

Once again, I was losing Dawson to another girl. The difference was Gretchen was a good person and good for him. He looked so happy with her, happier than I had seen him in years. I hadn't seen him that happy since… well, since we were together. Pacey and Gretchen seemed to eventually work through the weirdness of the situation… so I had no choice but to deal with it.

It is my instinct to be jealous whenever any female comes within a hundred-mile radius of Dawson. But this time it was different… this time I had no right to feel jealous. He was no longer my boyfriend. He was just my best friend and I had a boyfriend of my own. Although I had no right to be jealous, I was. I questioned Gretchen's motives, I questioned his motives… and none too nicely, I might add.

But they genuinely seemed happy with each other so I stepped back. I still felt a stab of jealously every time I saw them together. They always seeming to be kissing… which bothered me to no end. I chalked up my jealousy to the constant problems Pacey and I were always having. With Dawson, everything came so naturally. It was complicated in its own way of course, but he was always so easy to love. With Pacey, nothing was ever easy.

Day after day, I felt Dawson slipping farther and farther away from me. I knew very little about his life. Sure, we had a few what I like to call "transcendent moments." Sitting on the dock early one morning, talking about the future and the fact that he was getting a new little brother or sister. Standing on the pier as he told me he decided he was the right person to write my peer recommendation. 

And our phone call when Mr. Brooks was dying and I was on the Ski Trip with Pacey. Pacey had been pressuring me to sleep with him, pushing my 'Dawson button' every chance he got. Then, there was Dawson basically letting go of me over the phone. My heart dropped into my stomach. 

I know that it sounds stupid that I was upset, especially since I had chosen my own path. But it hurt that I was so far removed from Dawson's life. With Dawson gone, whom else did I have? Just my boyfriend. So, I gave him the one thing he wanted the most… sex. As I look back on that decision, I can't say I really regret it. Well, the part of me that always believed that Dawson and I would experience our first time together regrets it. But the other part of me knows that there is nothing I can do to change the past.

After returning from the ski trip, I ran into Dawson. And we had another one of our "transcendent moments." I felt horrible for not being there for him when his mentor was dying. I knew Gretchen had been there but that thought ate me alive with jealousy. He was _my_ best friend. I should've been the shoulder he cried on, not her. I felt like I had let him down. He assured me that I hadn't and that I would always have a piece of his heart. His words touched me and at that moment, I felt like everything was right between us again. 

Before we parted ways that night, he asked me if I had slept with Pacey on the ski trip. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I knew somehow that, deep down, he was still waiting for me. He did still love me. I could see it. That thought brought such a joy into my heart… yet it hurt me so much. I knew that at that stage in our lives, I couldn't give him the love he wanted or deserved.

I also didn't want ruin the perfect evening we had had… and as I look back on it now, I also didn't want to give him any excuse to sleep with Gretchen. So I lied. To this day, that lie remains my biggest regret. 

I got accepted into Worthington but then I found out that I would have to pay $15,000 to fulfill this dream. It was money I didn't have. I was devastated. Being the selfless and generous person he is, Dawson offered me Mr. Brooks' money. I couldn't take it… not knowing that I had lied to him.

I knew I had to tell him the truth. And I did. But not because I wanted the money. I told him the truth because I wanted things right between us again. I wanted the old Dawson & Joey back. And I knew things could never go back to the way things were if I continued to lie. Because I have always saved the truth for him…

Everything was falling into place… his little sister was born and I was there. I felt so blessed to be there to witness Dawson holding her for the first time. At that moment, I saw my future flash before my eyes and for the first time, I wasn't afraid of our connection, our bond.

Pacey and I broke up on the same night as Gretchen broke up with Dawson. Why is it that Dawson and I are connected even on one of the most horrible nights of our lives? We helped each other through the pain that followed losing our significant others. We were there for each other, as always...

Things finally seemed to be making sense. We graduated and for the first time in over a year, things felt truly right. Until the day that he got the news. The news that summer film school was waiting for him – in California. Just when things were right between us again, he was leaving me. I knew he had to go… but that didn't mean I wanted him to. 

I ended up telling him that I wanted him to stay. He was shocked and asked me why I didn't tell him this sooner. I told him that I refused to sit and suffer in silence while my best friend moved 3,000 miles away. He explained to me that he needed to get out of Capeside and that I needed to find out who I was, without him. I think what he meant is that he needed to find out who he was without us because I already knew who I was. I had spent the past two years finding myself.

He had let me go so many times for my own good… how could I have asked him to stay? It was killing me to let go of the one person who had been there for me through everything. Without him next to me, I knew I would feel incomplete, like part of me was missing. I had made it through a year without him but I didn't know if I could do it again. How would I face each day with the knowledge that he was so far away from me? 

I understood his need to find himself without the burden of being half of the "Will they? Won't they?" couple of the century. But knowing all of this didn't make saying good-bye to him any easier. We had sent the last month regaining our friendship and I was not willing to let it go so easily. Though I wanted him to stay, I knew he needed to go. So, I did the only thing I could do: I hugged him and said good-bye. I could feel him clinging desperately to me. 

I knew he didn't want to leave any more than I wanted him to leave. But we both knew it was time to get the hell out of Capeside. It was a tense moment so I tried to lighten the mood by asking him what his all-time most life altering moment was. He looked me straight in the eyes and answered that it might just be saying good-bye to me. I was shocked at the subtext of what he was saying. 

Time seemed to stand still as some unknown force drew us closer and closer together. When our lips met, I was in heaven. It was even better than I had remembered. At that moment, I fell in love with him for the third time in my life. Some people say "Third time's a charm." I think they're right.

How had he let me sail off with his best friend? At that moment, I knew how much he must've loved me… and hopefully still did. He left the next day for California and I didn't see him for 2 whole months. Sure, we talked on the phone at least once a day and we wrote e-mails like crazy but it just wasn't the same. I missed him so much.

Family problems brought him back to the East Coast at the beginning of August. He surprised me, saying he had applied to Worthington without my knowledge. "After all, Worthington has a great film program," he laughed, tugging on my hair playfully. I just smiled. 

*********************

I look over at him. His face is turned toward me but he appears to be asleep. It's hard to tell though, because his face is covered in shadows. I resist the urge to wake him up. I need the comfort his arms give but I refuse to rob him of his sleep. 

There was a time that he hardly ever slept. He would stay awake and just watch me sleep. I would often wake up to find him holding me, watching me. I would ask him what was wrong and he would just shake his head and urge me back to sleep. At first, I'd fall immediately back to sleep. But after a while, I began to stay awake with him and wonder why he never seemed to sleep. 

When I woke in the morning, he was always asleep but I knew that he never slept much. He always looked so tired even though he maintained a cheerful outward appearance. Soon, I was pulling him into bed for a nap every afternoon. Out of exhaustion, he always slept during those naps. But every single time, he'd jolt awake and look around frantically for me. Upon seeing me, he would relax and eventually fall back asleep.

For a while, I tried everything to get him to sleep. I tried getting him to drink a little alcohol before going to bed. I tried telling him that I loved him over and over again. I tried to wear him out with sex, which was fun but was only a quick fix. I'm embarrassed to say it but I even tried singing him to sleep. Nothing worked.

Finally one Friday, I pulled him into my room after lunch. He looked so tired from a full week of classes. I was determined to help him sleep. I had him lie down and I threw a blanket over him. I asked him if he wanted me to give him some peace and quiet so he could sleep. He just shook his head and looked at me with those soulful eyes of his. 

"But, honey, my bed is so small," I reminded him as I clicked the ringer off on my phone. I turned around for an answer and saw that he had just pulled the blanket back, indicating that I should join him. I smiled and kicked off my shoes. How could I resist that face?

Snuggling close to him, I felt him wrap him arms around me and kiss my temple. I soon found myself growing drowsy. I had lain awake at night trying to help him sleep and the lack of sleep was catching up to me. Plus, I just felt so safe in his arms…

I looked up at him and saw that he was still awake. I could see that he was exhausted yet he didn't sleep. Frustrated, I turned over on my stomach and turned his face toward mine. "Honey, please try and sleep," I pleaded. He didn't respond and continued to look at me with those soulful eyes. Seeing him like this, brought tears to my eyes. I searched his eyes for some kind of answer. 

As we looked into each other's eyes, I felt that connection that always exists between us. I could feel his fear… but of what? Suddenly, everything became crystal clear. It was as if I was reading his mind, his heart. But before I could say anything he spoke up. "Will you be here when I wake up?" he asked softly, gripping my upper arm tightly.

"Of course, I will," I responded, brushing his hair back from his forehead.

"Promise?" he pleaded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Promise," I swore to him. I could see him relaxing in a way I hadn't seen in a long time. His eyes closed and for the first time in months, he fell asleep before me. I watched him sleep for a change and finally I lay down next to him. Everything now made sense. 

I realized that it had started when Pacey had tried to kiss me. I knew it wasn't that he thought I was going to leave him and run off with Pacey. Pacey wasn't really the issue. I knew that it was more about some unknown force pulling me away from him. It had been so painful to be without each other that the idea of Fate being cruel to us again, sent him into fits of terror. Now that he knows that I won't willingly leave him, he's content. 

I can now look back and see the roads we've traveled these past 4 years. At times, our roads diverged but now they've crossed again. Looking at things in perspective, I think we needed that time apart to appreciate each other, to need each other again. 

We see Pacey daily. Seeing him really doesn't bother me at all. I just see him as an old boyfriend, as someone who taught me some things along the way. Unfortunately, Pacey doesn't see things this way. He still thinks of my relationship with Dawson as a fling, something that will be over soon. I've told him otherwise a million times but he only hears what he wants to hear.

I know Dawson trusts me where Pacey is concerned. I know he is sure of our love. What he is afraid of is something tearing us apart again. I've tried over and over again to explain to him that my every happiness is wrapped up in him and we can deal with anything, together. Maybe I'm just not saying it the right way. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. 

I catch Pacey looking at me longingly from time to time. I know Dawson sees it too. Dawson doesn't worry about losing me to Pacey. He's told me that he worries that I may find somebody more "exciting" and "dangerous" and ditch him. I want to laugh at this suggestion. Instead, I smile and hold him close. I tell him that my "bad boy" days are over and that he is my world, my rock. 

All these thoughts drift through my head and I smile. Then I realize what I am doing. I'm thinking about Dawson and our love so I don't have to deal with other things. I've had to deal with this problem before but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel so… lost. Dawson is literally 5 feet away but there is nothing he can do. Except maybe hold me, kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Maybe I _should_ wake him…

Am I being selfish? Should I even be wanting him to wake up and kiss away my pain? I can't even count all the times I have run to him, wanting him to make everything better. This time, he can't make things "better." I hate feeling powerless and I know he will too.

I have to stop thinking about it or I'll go crazy. Tomorrow. What do I need to do tomorrow? I have to finish my Art project. I need to call Bessie. Dawson and I have dinner plans. I need to –

Something touches my hair and I jump. Without turning around, I know it's him. I can feel it. That connection that we have seems to grow every day. He asks what I'm thinking about. How do I put what I'm thinking and feeling into words?

"How about a cuddle for my thoughts?" I ask, desperate for the comfort his arms bring. He smiles and I know I have won him over. I crawl into his lap after he has replaced me in the chair. His touch relaxes me and for the moment, I think there's nothing we can't handle together.

Once he has me secure in his arms, he asks me again what has me awake. I hesitate. How do I tell him? How will he react? I bury my face in his neck, inhaling his scent. It calms me. "Dawson…" I start to say but I stop, not knowing how to tell him.

I feel his hands stroking me gently, comforting me. Can I do this? Can I change everything forever? His hand drifts to my stomach and I lose all my nerve again. He doesn't deserve this. I start to cry.

I can hear him calling my name. His voice seems miles away. He is waiting for me to speak. He is worried about me. He is scared, I can tell. I have to tell him. I need to tell him. I need him.

"There's something I have to tell you, Dawson…."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. Dawson's POV

Disclaimer: See part 1.  
  
Author's Note: This is my way of trying to make sense of s3 and s4. Kinda of an AU from Coda on - nothing in s5 or s6 happened. Title and lyrics are from a song by the group `Lifehouse.' Dawson starts out the story remembering a night from a month before. It then goes into a flashback from a night about 6 months before, which is in italics. If you're confused, e-mail me and I'll try and explain it to you. Thank you to everyone who continues to read my stuff… especially my loyal and "tortured" beta. :) I dedicate this to all the wonderful D/Jers who are still here with me, bitching and moaning and just… surviving. No matter what, I don't regret a minute of loving D/J or my fellow D/Jers. I adore you all.

__

This is over my head  
But underneath my feet  
Cause by tomorrow morning  
I'll have this thing beat

And everything will be back  
To the way that it was  
I wish that it was just that easy

I lie in bed and watch her. She is sitting by the window, playing with her necklace. Instinctively, I know what she is thinking about. She's thinking about us. But whether she's thinking about today, yesterday or the past two years, I can only guess. I can see her necklace shining in the moonlight. I remember the night I gave it to her...

It was only about a month ago. We had been walking around town, hand in hand. It had been a stressful week for us both and we were just enjoying the beauty of Boston and of being together. 

I had stopped suddenly and turned her toward me. "I have a surprise for you," I whispered. 

She smiled that famous smile of hers and whispered back, "Oh, you do?" 

I kissed her on the nose and brought my hand in front of her face. I asked her to close her eyes. She complied. I placed my hand over her eyes just in case she decided to peek. And knowing Joey, I knew she'd try.

I walked behind her with my hand still over her eyes. She walked slowly, as if afraid of where I would take her. But I knew she wasn't. She was just enjoying the moment. She gripped the arm I had wrapped around her waist and asked me where I was taking her.

I told her it was a surprise and that she would just have to be patient. Knowing that she wasn't going to get any answers out of me, she fell silent and surrendered to my lead. I led her off the sidewalk and into the grass. I knew she could feel the difference but she remained quiet.

I then stopped at our destination and asked her quietly if she knew what today was. I could feel her smile and I knew that she knew. "Of course," she whispered. "I just didn't think you would remember."

"How could I forget?" I breathed against her ear. She turned in my arms and my hand fell away from her eyes. She looked deep into my eyes and smiled before kissing me passionately. We kissed deeply for a few minutes before I turned her around to see what I had set up.

She gasped and grabbed my hand, leading me toward the blanket I had laid out under a tree. "It's exactly... the… same!" she stuttered out. I smiled at this. I had made sure everything was exactly as it had been that night 6 months ago. The music playing softly in the background, the food, the picnic basket.

__

iWe had been celebrating… she had aced some test and I had received an A- on the first paper I had written in college. I had helped her study for that test and she had helped me with my paper. It had finally sunk in that we were in college... and that we were free! 

She never drank much at all in high school but upon coming to college had loosened up a little bit. She drank occasionally with me and only if I was around. We drank at parties and when over at a friend's house. I had turned her into a social drinker. 

And on that night all those months ago, she had drank her fair share of alcohol. If she hadn't, maybe what happened wouldn't have happened. We were close at the time. Closer than we had ever been, even closer than when we were dating back in high school. She stayed over often and we slept in the same bed like we used to.

She had sworn on our last night in Capeside that she would never have sex again. Of course I hadn't believed her but I never thought she would want to have sex with me. We had fooled around a little after I came back from California but had decided that it wasn't the right time for us. We decided it would be best if we just remained friends for a while. 

We were inseparable. We had lost so much time that we spent every moment together, waking and sleeping. People were constantly asking us if we were dating. When we told them the truth, that we weren't, they looked at us as if we were lying, crazy... or both.

That night, we sat on the blanket in the park, talking and laughing. Before we knew it, the sun was setting and the bottle of wine was empty. Soon, we found ourselves lying on the blanket, talking in hushed tones about... everything.

The conversation somehow drifted to dating and why neither of us was seeing anybody. I remember joking around, saying something about how I hadn't found anyone perfect enough for me. She turned onto her side and I could see tears in her eyes. "How do I get perfect?" she asked, her voice trembling.

At that moment, my heart broke. I stroked her cheek and reassured her that she was perfect and that any guy would be lucky to have her. "I don't care about 'any guy,'" she whispered. "I care about you."

God help me but I still loved her. I always had. Even after everything that had happened, I loved her so much I ached. As I looked into her eyes, I knew that I was a goner. I was under her spell... again.

Unable to come up with the words that could explain my feelings for her, I reached my hand out and brushed the tears off her face. She looked up at me expectantly. Our lips somehow found each other and we were kissing frantically. By this time, we were both crying and our tears mingled together.

We could've blamed it on the wine but the alcohol had nothing to do with what happened next. We continued to kiss and suddenly, I felt her hands underneath my shirt. As her tongue found it's way into my mouth, her hands found their way down to the button of my pants.

I knew where this was headed and I wanted to make sure she was ready to go there. I broke our kiss and her eyes opened to stare into mine. She looked scared. Later, she told me that she was afraid I didn't want her. I held back a laugh at this insane notion. Like I have ever not wanted her.

She asked me what was wrong and I asked her if she was sure that this is what she wanted to do. The fear left her face and she smiled at me. "I've never been more sure of anything else in my life," she whispered and pulled my face back to hers.

We picked up our kiss where we had left off and suddenly, our hands had minds of their own. We took our times peeling the clothes from each other's bodies. This was a moment that we had been waiting for… forever. 

Finally, there was nothing left between us and our hands explored each other as we continued to kiss. Her cool hands all over my body drove me wild. I could feel her smiling against my lips. She knew she was driving me crazy.

I had always worried that my first time would be awkward. But it wasn't. With her, things came naturally. And when it didn't, she gently showed me. I touched her everywhere and through trial and error, I learned what she liked and what she didn't.

We were profoundly tuned into each other's needs and wants. Of course, she led the way. I had thought her experience would intimidate me but instead, it relaxed me. When my hand hesitated on her stomach, she guided it to where she wanted it. When I felt her warmth, her wetness and knew that it was all for me, I was in awe. 

As my finger sunk inside of her, she broke our kiss and arched her back slightly. I looked into her eyes and saw the intense pleasure I was bringing her. My heart soared. I continued my ministrations until I knew she was close to the edge. I had experimented enough with her in the past to know when she was on that ledge.

Sighing, she looked at me with frustration and confusion all over her face. She was wondering why I had stopped. I just grinned at her impishly and she knew I was taunting her, bringing her to the brink of fulfillment. I wanted this to last.

She grinned back at me and suddenly wrapped her long fingers around me. I moaned and I could hear her chuckling. She continued her ministrations and pulled my lips back onto hers. My hand found her again and our moans mingled together.

She pulled me on top of her and guided me inside her. As I sunk into her, she gasped and her fingernails dug into my back. She wiggled around allowing us to get comfortable. She bit her lip and stared at me, eyes full of passion. She kissed me softly and I deepened our kiss. I was in heaven. She felt so good. Why had we waited so long?

She moved her hips against mine, urging me on. We continued to kiss as we moved together fluidly. We found our rhythm instantly. Like we had been doing this for years instead of minutes. Suddenly, she threw her head back and her constant moaning turned into cries of pleasure.

I felt her tighten around me and watched her face. A myriad of emotions flitted across her face as I continued to move inside her. She cried out my name and I hearing my name, I went over the edge. As I filled her, I heard her moan in satisfaction. We were both sweaty and our bodies slid against each other sensually as we slowed down.

"Wow… that was... wow, Dawson…" she breathed into my ear as we held each other and tried to catch our breaths.

"Not bad for our first time, huh?" I joked as I hugged her close. "Well, my first time anyway."

"It was OUR first time, Dawson. And that's what matters," she assured me as I wrapped her up in my arms.

We wrapped the blanket around us as she settled back against me. We watched the last of the sun disappear and the night slowly took over. I lit a few of the candles I had brought and we talked, kissed occasionally, touched constantly. We stayed this way for a long time./i 

She couldn't believe that I had re-created everything down to the last detail. She pulled me down onto the blanket and kissed me. We kissed for a long time before I pulled away from her and handed her a velvet box.

She looked surprised and asked me what it was. I told her to open it and find out. She looked at me quizzically and pulled the lid up. Her face lit up and I saw tears instantly form in her eyes. "It's beautiful," she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. "You shouldn't have. I don't deserve this."

"You deserve it. And so much more," I whispered back and wiped the tears that continued to fall down her cheeks. She pulled the necklace out of the box and held it up to the light. It was a small heart on the end of a delicate chain. She just stared at it, not saying a word.

"It's a heart," I explained, stupidly. She laughed and wiped more tears away. "Because you will always have my heart. And not just a piece. All of it. Forever," I choked out. 

She finally tore her eyes away from the necklace and looked at me. I could see she was touched. She opened her mouth to speak but only managed to say "Oh, Dawson..." before falling silent once again. Tears ran down her cheeks in rivers as I fastened it around her neck. She flung her arms around my neck and kissed me wildly, deeply. We ended up re-creating that night from all those months ago...

************************

I remember that night, our first time together, vividly. I continue to watch her and I know that she is worrying about everything... but mainly worrying about us.

We see Pacey almost daily and he finds every opportunity to try and guilt her back into his arms. She tells me about every one of their conversations. I trust her. I know she would never purposefully hurt me. But every time I see them talking, a stab of jealousy hits me and I want to run over and pull her away from him.

I have this unexplainable need to show her that I trust her. I don't doubt her love for me. I believe in what we have. It's him I don't trust. I still remember the day she told me that he tried to kiss her. He had grabbed her as she was walking back from class and had pulled her behind the Student Center. He had begged and pleaded with her to come back to him, to love him again.

She told me that she had become angry and yanked her arm out of his grip. She explained how he protested and stated that he knew that she still loved him and that her relationship with me would never work. 

She went on to say that he then began babbling about how he and her were "soulmates." That bit of information sent me into a fit of rage. He had always berated my notion that Joey and I were soulmates. Hell, he even told me one time that he didn't believe in soulmates. 

Her voice trembling, she had then told me about how he had grabbed her arms and tried to kiss her. She stated that she had torn herself away from him before he succeeded. She stated she was upset that he had tried to kiss her but was more upset at the notion that someone might have seen this exchange and in turn, tell me. She said she didn't want me to get the wrong idea. 

Hearing this story, I began shaking. Why couldn't he leave us alone? I turned away from her, afraid that she would see how much this story affected me. I didn't want her to know how much the idea of her and Pacey touching in any way affected me. I had built up this illusion back home that I was okay with them. I couldn't let her see now that it had all been a façade, that that the idea of them together made me sick, angry, and most of all... insanely jealous.

She said my name softly and touched my back. I had flinched away from her touch at first but then had relaxed slowly as her touch calmed me. As it always had. She had reassured me again that day that she loves me, only me. I had taken her into my arms and clung to her like a drowning man. She was my salvation and could not, would not lose her.

*********************

As an ironic twist of fate, Pacey and I have some of the same friends. He works with Jamie, a good friend of mine. So, I see Pacey often at parties or when a bunch of us go out together. I will never forget the day he saw Joey and I together for the first time. It was the day after our first time and at the time, a small part of me enjoyed watching him suffer.

Jamie had just found a place to live off-campus and had invited all of us over that night to eat, drink, hang out, etc. Joey hadn't wanted to go. She had been working all day and had wanted some of what she called "alone time" with me. I told her that I had promised Jaime that we should show up. I then wrapped my arms around her and promised her that she would be greatly rewarded if she went. 

She smiled that radiant smile of hers and licked her lips seductively before slipping out of my grip. I was half tempted to pull her back into my arms and down onto the bed. I slipped a clean T-shirt on and then sat down on the bed to watch her get ready. The phone rang and since it was inches from my head, I answered it. "Dawson!" a voice laughed mischievously. It was Mackenzie, or Mac as everyone called her, a friend of both Joey and I. Actually, she was more Joey's friend than mine. 

Mac is the one who has introduced Joey to the hidden mysteries of female friendships. The two clicked instantly and are so much alike that I swear they were separated at birth. Mac was raised by her grandmother and the two girls share a bond over losing their mothers at an early age. However, while Joey's dad is in jail, Mac's dad ran off when she was 4 years old. Both are feisty, stubborn, and can always make me laugh.

These similarities are amazing but they have another bond that mystifies me to this day. Mac also has a male best friend… who grew up across the street from her. Harrison also goes to Worthington and I rarely see either of them without the other. I really do like Mac but we seem to have this love-hate relationship. She loves to pick on me and I never fail to respond in equal. Sometimes, it flashes through my mind that Mac and I are like Pacey and Joey used to be. The difference is that our banter is all in good fun… that and I have zero interest in Mac romantically.

Harrison lives down the hall from me but I met him through Joey and the two of us clicked. He reminds me of myself before the whole Pacey and Joey fiasco. He is as I used to be – idealistic and way too nice for his own good. I've found out in the short time I've known him that he is one of the most loyal people on the face of this earth. He would literally do anything for the people he cares about, especially Mac. I've watched them together and I chuckle at how obvious their feelings for each other are. Yet, neither of them wants to be the one to take their relationship to the next level. Joey and I are constantly working to change this. 

"What's up, Mac?" I asked suspiciously. I heard the knowing tone in her voice and I just knew that Joey had told her something about the night before.

"Not much, Stud. You tired? You sure sound like it…" she replied cheekily. 

"Cute," I responded, trying my hardest to not laugh. "Does this conversation have a point or can I put myself out of my misery and hang up?"

"There's no reason to be so bitchy, Leery," she said. "I know you miss me. Try and deal with it like a big boy."

"You wish," I fired back.

"Hardly," she giggled. "Don't flatter yourself. Is Jo there?"

"Yup," I answered.

After a long silence, she asked pointedly "Can I talk to her?" 

"Why don't you get off your lazy butt and walk down the hall?" I questioned as Joey walked back into the room. 

"Is that Mac?" she asked me and I held the phone away from my ear. 

How'd you guess?" I laughed as a stream of cuss words flowed out of the phone. Joey snickered and grabbed the phone out of my hand. She immediately began talking animatedly in a way that I've never seen her do with anyone else except me. I knew that as long as Joey was in my life, Mac would be as well.

After a few minutes, I walked up behind Joey who was still chatting away and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her relax into my embrace instantly. I kissed her cheek, her ear, her neck. "Dawson!" she squealed as my hands ventured to the button of her jeans.

I coaxed her away from phone with my hands and mouth. She then turned to me and wrapped her arms around me, pushing me back to the bed. Chuckling, I broke away from her and pulled her toward the door. I told her that we should get to Jamie's and that I now knew the best way to get her off the phone. Fire rose up in her eyes and I wondered if she was pissed, turned on, or both.

She informed me with a wicked grin that I wasn't getting off that easy. She cut me off when I tried to open the door. Shit. I knew I was in deep trouble. She grabbed my hands and placed them on her chest as she leaned over and kissed me deeply. She rubbed her body against mine and at that moment, I was her slave. I felt her hands run down my chest and stop at the button of my jeans. I gasped against her mouth as her cool hands touched my stomach.

I could hear her chuckling through my haze of lust. I opened my eyes and watched as she untangled herself from my grasp and sat down in a nearby chair. She continued to watch me as she slipped on her shoes, amusement radiating from her eyes. "Paybacks are a bitch, Leery," she said in a sing-song voice as she stood up and placed her hands on her hips. She eyed me gleefully and I'm sure I was quite the sight with my mussed hair, my flushed cheeks and my unbuttoned jeans.

Narrowing my eyes, I buttoned up my pants and rang my fingers through my hair. "Yes, yes they are, Josephine," I shot back as I grabbed my windbreaker off the back her desk chair.

"Awww... you're mad," she teased, trying to grab me and placate me with her touch. 

"I don't get mad. I get even," I shot back, dodging her roaming hands. I headed for the door.

She grabbed my arms as I brushed past her and yanked me toward her. "Promise?" she whispered. She leaned close to me, her nose touching mine. She was such a tease and I loved our banter.

"Promise," I laughed, kissing her nose and grabbing her hand as I pulled her out the door. When we arrived at Jamie's house and walked to the backyard, the grill was going and there were already quite a few people there. 

I could see Jamie poking at the coals, drinking a beer and laughing. His girlfriend, Kate, stood behind him, peeking over his shoulder at the smoking grill. They were a cute couple, always either fighting or making-up. I had a hard time keeping up but from the look of complete adoration on their faces as they looked at each other, they were obviously in one of their "making-up" phases.

Sitting on the deck with them was Scott and Kristine, a pair who had been dating since junior high. They provided a nice contrast to Jamie and Kate because I had never seen them fight or even argue. They were definitely the peacemakers of our group. Joey assured me that they had their problems just like any other couple and that they were just extremely private. What amazes me about them the most is their complete and total happiness with each other. I figured that after dating for 5+ years, they'd be ready to sow some wild oats. When I questioned Scott one day, he said that he had known that Kristine was his destiny, his soulmate from the moment he had met her. I knew the feeling.

Joey spotted Mac sitting on a near-by picnic table and immediately headed in that direction. I saw Harrison standing over a cooler, digging through the ice intently. I walked over to him and watched him continue to freeze his hands as he looked for something. 

He plucked a drink out and held it up triumphantly. "Hey, D! Want a beer?" he asked, shifting both beers to one hand and pulling out a bottle of my favorite beer before I could answer. How he could remember all the little stuff, like my favorite beer, astounded me. He also remembered everyone's birthday, even my little sister's.

"Grab another one of those for Jo, will you?" I asked him, pointing to the wine cooler in his hand. He handed me my beer and began digging again. Only Harrison would dig in a pile of ice for someone else's girlfriend.

He found another of the fruity drinks and we found our best friends at a picnic table not too far from the grill. I plopped down next to Jo and placed her drink in front of her. She smiled and wrapped her arm around my waist, kissing me on the cheek as she continued to listen to some story Mac was telling about one of our professors. Harrison mimicked my actions and gave Mac her drink. He was rewarded with a smile as well but not a hug or a kiss. He stared at Mac longingly for a few seconds then looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I felt his pain.

Harrison and I talked about a movie we both wanted to see while Joey and Mac continued to chat. I heard Joey mentioned Jen's name so I asked her if Jack and Jen were coming over to the barbecue. She shrugged and said she knew they had been invited but that both had to work late. They had told her that they were going to try and make it. I said that I was hoping they would come since I didn't see them all that much, even though we all live in the same town. Joey agreed.

Both Harrison and Mac like Jack and Jen, as well. The six of us often go out to a movie, dancing or whatever. I took another gulp of my beer and wrapped my arm around Joey's back. It was a hot day but I just couldn't keep my hands off her. She didn't seem to mind, though and leaned against me as Harrison told a very funny story about our RA.

Her hands grabbed my free hand and intertwined her fingers with mine. I rested my head against hers and listened to Harrison's story, even though I had heard it countless times before.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw four figures coming into the backyard and I instinctively looked to see who it was. Jack and Jen flanked a smiling Pacey and a pretty, petite blonde I recognized slightly. I wondered if Pacey was dating her and I hoped he hadn't brought her just to try and make Joey jealous. No girl deserves to be used like that. 

The newcomers approached us, laughing and talking. As soon as Pacey saw us, his face hardened into that unreadable expression he often wears. Sometimes I wish we were as close as we used to be. Maybe then I would know what he was thinking, feeling. The blonde introduced herself and I was immediately impressed at how intelligent she seemed. As much as I hated to admit it, she was not the blonde bimbo I had expected her to be. I hoped more than ever that Pacey was not using her. She seemed too nice for that.

I expected Joey to pull away from me as soon as she saw Pacey. I don't know why I expected this, I just did. Surprisingly, she stayed nestled in my arms though I could feel her become tense. I squeezed her hand reassuringly and stroked her bare arm inconspicuously. She smiled first at me and then at the foursome standing before us. 

Pacey had this pained expression on his face and I could tell he was bracing himself for the inevitable verbal sparing that was bound to start soon between the two of us. To everyone's surprise, I just smiled at him and his date and gestured for them to sit down. Pacey's surprise quickly turned to suspicion as he tried to deduct what I was up to.

The funny thing was, I wasn't up to anything. In fact, I sort of felt sorry for the guy. I knew exactly what he was going through and I didn't wish that kind of pain on anybody, not even him. However, he had brought all the pain he was feeling onto himself so I didn't linger too longer on my empathy. 

I was so happy with Joey and everything that had transpired between us that I found myself chatting easily with everyone including Pacey and his date. I have never been a bigger talker in social situations but with Joey by my side, I was happier than I had been in years.

Suddenly, Jamie announced that the food was ready and everyone quickly gathered around a picnic table full of food near the grill. I started to get up but Joey tugged me back down. I turned to her with a confused expression. She just smiled at me and kissed me deeply. "What was that for?" I asked breathlessly.

"I love you," she replied simply. I was shocked. I hadn't heard her utter those three words to me in three long years. Suddenly, everything fell into place. I saw the past couple of years in a new light. We needed those years to realize how important, how rare our relationship is. 

"I love you, too," I whispered before drawing her into another kiss. This is how is always should be. The two of us, together. That day I vowed that nothing would come between us ever again. Nothing.

**********************

As the days go by, I become more and more confident in our love. I have to believe that there is nothing than can destroy us. We are too strong for that. I still worry that some awful twist of fate will separate us. She assures me that there is nothing that will keep her from loving me.

I quietly get out of bed and silently walk over to where she sits. She is so involved in her thoughts that she doesn't see or hear me. I stand behind her and look out the window. I wonder what has her so sleepless, so pensive. I reach down and begin stroking her hair softly. "Penny for your thoughts," I whisper.

She is startled for a moment then relaxes again. "How about a cuddle for my thoughts?" she smiles, tilting her head backward to look at me. I smile at her choice of words. 

We share the same group of friends and for the first time in her life, she is spending large amounts of time with other girls. Of course, I am still her best friend but she is now learning to really enjoy female companionship. Before we started dating, her friends teased her continuously about how she and I were constantly "groping" each other. Joey had always protested, saying that we don't "grope," we "cuddle." This quickly became a running joke amongst her friends.

It soon turned into a joke amongst our friends. One night, a huge group of us had gone out together, ten including the two of us. That night, her friends were teasing her mercilessly about this… in front of me. My guy friends quickly caught on and laughed uproariously at this. They knew my feelings for her and knew that I took every chance to touch her. What she called it made no difference to me. I quickly asked her to dance to get away from the subject. From that moment on, our friends teased us endlessly about our "cuddling." 

In our romantic relationship, this word now means something a little different that what it once did. She stood up and I plopped down in her place. She crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. Her cheek was soon resting against mine as my hands rubbed her back and bare leg gently.

"Okay, you got your cuddle," I smiled. "Now, your thoughts." I could feel her hesitation and a sudden fear struck me. Something was going on. I heard her sigh and her head slipped down so it was nested in my neck. 

"Dawson..." she started but then trailed off. 

"Jo?" I questioned when she didn't continue. I felt this sudden urge to hold her close and I hugged her tightly. One hand drifted from her back and settled on her stomach. I heard her sharp intake of breath and almost immediately, I felt her tears on my neck. 

"Jo? Joey?" I asked again as I tried to look into her eyes. Her face was still buried in my neck so this was impossible. I heard her take in a deep, shuddering breath and suddenly she spoke.

"I have something I need to tell you, Dawson..."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Joey's POV

Disclaimer/Spoilers/Rating/Summary: See Part 1.

  
Author's Note: This is my way of trying to make sense of s3 and s4. Kinda of an AU from Coda on - nothing in s5 or s6 happened. I'm thinking I need to do a fic like this one to make sense of s5 and s6. *sigh* Title and lyrics are from a song by the group `Lifehouse.'

__

Cause I'm waiting for tonight  
Then waiting for tomorrow  
And I'm somewhere in between

What is real and just a dream?

Silence surrounds us, encompasses us. I have told him. He knows. Yet, he doesn't speak. Is he angry? Upset? Or stunned?

His arms are still wrapped around my waist and his head rests against mine. I guess I had expected him to freak out or something. But he didn't. He just sits here, staring out the window.

I've dealt with this before but I'm no better prepared than I was last time. I'm still scared of what this will do to my future, Dawson's future… our future. I don't need to take a stupid test to tell me the truth. I can _feel_ the truth.

It hasn't been confirmed but I know. Yet, there is still some tiny part of me that hopes that merely having Dawson around will change everything. A ridiculous thought but I hope that somehow, he can take away all my anger, pain and… terror at what was happening.

How could I have let this happen? I'm a smart girl. I know better than this. I'm scared that my mistake, our mistake, is going to tear us apart. He sighs and shifts beneath me. I feel a kiss as light as a feather against my forehead. I want to look at him but I'm so afraid of what I'll see in his eyes.

"Dawson?" I say softly.

"Hmmm?"

"Say something," I whisper.

"Something," I hear him reply.

"Ha, ha," I retort but find a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. How can he make me smile even at a time like this? I sigh and realize that I want to stay like this forever. In Dawson's arms in the only place I truly feel safe…

"Let's go to bed," I hear him suggest suddenly. The normalcy of this statement shocks me out of my reverie. I just dumped _that_ into his lap and all he wants to do is go to sleep? 

"What??" I exclaim, sitting up and turning to face him for the first time since I told him.

"Let's go to bed," he repeats calmly, brushing a stray hair out of my eyes. I stare at him, my eyes searching his for some kind of answer. I fleetingly wonder what alternate universe I've dropped into. One does not hear something this life altering and then suggest going to sleep. I continue to stare at him in disbelief. 

He stands up and pulls me up with him. He grabs my hand and tugs me toward the bed. I look at it then at him, mesmerized by how loving and… normal he is acting. Wait! How can I go to sleep without knowing what he thinks, what he feels? How can I go to bed not knowing if he's going to be with me next week, next month, next year?

He turns around suddenly and I bump straight into his chest. "But, Dawson…" He smiles down at me and I look at him, really look at him for the first time since he woke up. Suddenly, all of my questions are answered. I feel his hands on my cheeks and I realize that I am crying. 

I kiss the palm of his left hand then nod at the bed. He smiles at me and I climb into bed. He follows and wraps his arms around me, pulling me back against his strong body. I close my eyes and relax for the first time in days. I feel his breath on my neck and just before I drift off to sleep I hear him whisper "I love you…"

*****************************

The screeching of my alarm clock wakes me the next morning. I reach over and smack it, silencing it. I stretch slowly, loving the comfort of my bed, not wanting to get up. I turn over slowly for my morning kiss but am greeted by an empty bed. I rub my eyes and try to make my brain work long enough for me to figure out why I'm alone.

Class. He has an 8am class. The clock reads 9:02am. He re-set the alarm for me because he knows I have an 10am class. Isn't he wonderful? However, what I failed to mention to him was that my class was cancelled and instead, I have a doctor's appointment. 

His smell surrounds me and instantly, I wish he were still here with me. I must have moved over to his side of the bed when he got up. I sit up and it's then that I notice something on my pillow. A handful of daisies. I smile and pick them up. A note rests against my pillow.

__

Jo,

I love you… forever.

Dawson

Grinning, I placed the daisies in a vase that stands next to my clock. I took the other flowers out yesterday and apparently Dawson had decided to replace them immediately. Dawson used to bring me roses but I had told him that buying me all these flowers was too expensive. I went on to tease him that I missed the day when he used to pick the flowers he gave to me.

I lay the note next to the flowers and continue to admire the flowers. My alarm goes off again and suddenly, everything comes rushing back to me. I sigh. I can do this. I can go to my appointment by myself. I know what the doctor's going to say anyway. I slowly get out of bed and head toward my closet. A wave of nausea hits me and I have to sit down at my desk. The feeling doesn't pass and I look around for the trash can. It's across the room, next to the bed. That's right. I didn't even make it out of my bed yesterday before I puked my guts out. 

I sit with my eyes closed for a couple of minutes and the feeling gradually passes. For now. I grab my towel and robe and walk slowly into the bathroom. The warm water heats up the bathroom and I quickly take my shower. I pull my clothes on slowly, trying to put off the inevitable. 

I am blow drying my hair when I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I jump and almost drop the blow dryer. "Dawson!" I gasp, turning off the hot air.

"Hey!" he says, smiling that sexy smile of his. If I was feeling better, I would push him back onto the bed and… well…. 

"Hey…" I respond and kiss him quickly. He pulls me closer and deepens the kiss. I love kissing him. I break the kiss, knowing that if it goes on any longer, things might go farther than either of us has time for. 

"Mmmmm…. toothpaste," he grins. I grin back at him and give him one more quick kiss. 

"Thought you had class," I say, while combing out my hair.

"It got cancelled so I thought I'd come back here… walk you to class or something," he says slyly, plopping down in my desk chair. It was that "something" that often made us miss our classes altogether. 

"I don't have class. It got cancelled, too," I reply, honestly. I glance at the clock. 9:35am. I need to leave soon.

"Shit, then why are you up? I'd be enjoying the freebie," he said, laughing. When I didn't respond, he sat up and looked at me suspiciously. "Jo?"

I sit on the bed and began putting on my shoes. I take a deep breath. "I have a doctor's appointment." I don't look at him and tie my shoes with complete concentration.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, hurt evident in his voice.

I finally look up at him and see how upset he is. I realize that all of this is hard for him, too. I go over to him and climb into his lap. I hug him and apologize profusely. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, honey. We really didn't talk about it last night plus you had class so…" I trail off, still hugging him tightly. "I'm sorry."

"Of course I want to go. Do you think I don't care, that I want you to do this on your own?" he asked, returning my hug and stroking my hair.

"I didn't know what to think, Dawson," I reply, releasing him, kissing him lightly before sliding out of his lap. I tug on my coat and shrug. "I was just scared, I guess."

"Well, don't be," he says, standing up and walking over to me. He grabs my hands and brushes a strand of hair out of my face. "We can face anything… together."

I smile, fighting back my tears. He is too good to me. I don't deserve him. I lead him out of the room and lock the door behind us. It's time to find out if our lives are about to be changed forever…

***********************************

About an hour and a half later, we return to my room, both of us lost in our own world. What I had known days ago was confirmed so I think it's safe to say that I'm not really in as much shock as Dawson is. 

A million thoughts race through my head. Should I set him free so I won't be a burden to him? Should I wrap my arms around him and beg him to never leave me? Should I start planning our future? Should I keep it? Is Dawson angry now that he knows for sure? Is he as scared as I am? Will he end up resenting me? I have to fight my urge to push him away out of fear that he'll leave me. I am so scared.

Mechanically, I pull off my coat and kick off my shoes. He does the same then plops down on my bed. I can feel him watching me, waiting for me to say something. What does he want me say? What _should _I say?

A wave of nausea washes over me. I grip the edge of the dresser, willing the feeling to pass. Regaining my equilibrium, I decide I need something to drink, something to calm my stomach. I pull a 7-Up out of my mini-frig, so glad that I bought some yesterday. I had hoped I had the flu. 

I take a small drink and sigh with relief as it somehow makes me feel better. I look over at Dawson and see him watching me with amusement. I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs. The tension is broken. I join him on the bed and lean into his arms. He kisses my temple and breaks the silence. "You wanna talk about it?"

I close my eyes and think about it. Do I want to talk about it? "Can't we just pretend for a few more hours that everything is normal?" I plead into his chest. I can tell from his body language that he doesn't think this is a good idea. He starts to protest but when he sees my face, he relents. 

"All right. What do you have in mind?" he questions, stroking my upper arm.

"How about our pizza and a movie?" 

"You wanna go out?" he asks, surprised.

"No, let's stay here. Just the two of us," I suggest. He nods and untangles himself from my embrace to order the pizza. I sort through the pile of his movies that have somehow accumulated in my room. I find 'Say Anything' and pop it into the VCR. I need the predictability of a movie I've seen a million times. The movie starts and I turn around to find him sitting behind me, leaning against the bed. 

He reaches out for me and pulls me against him, wrapping his arms around me. I lean back against him and enjoy the feeling of… rightness. This is where I belong, with him. I decide at that moment to do whatever it takes to keep us together. I will not lose him again. I watch the movie, trying to lose myself in the plot. But the security of Dawson's arms is what calms me, soothes me. 

It has been a mildly warm day but the night has become cold. I find myself shivering and huddling against Dawson for warmth. Finding my cold hands a little too uncomfortable on his warm skin, he grabs a blanket off the bed. I allow him to wrap it around us. Our combined body heat quickly cocoons us and my shivering stops. My eyes feel heavy and I feel myself drifting off…

I wake up about an hour later when I hear a knock on my door. He sees that I am wake and gently pushes me forward so he can answer the door. I lean back against the bed and watch him sleepily. He pays the pizza guy, closes the door and sits down on the floor next to me. He reaches into my tiny refrigerator and pulls out a cold soda. 

I watch him open the box of pizza and instantly, the smell surrounds me. For the first time all day, I am hungry. I sit up slowly and take the piece of cheese pizza he holds in front of me. I thank him with a smile and we continue to watch the movie as we eat. I love how we can communicate without saying a word. 

I finish my piece of pizza and finish my now lukewarm 7-Up. I silently beg my stomach to accept the pizza. Feeling suddenly tired again, I crawl with the blanket onto the bed and lay down. Unbuttoning my jeans, I kick them off and pull on my pajama bottoms. Much better. I try to stay awake but I'm so tired…

This time when I wake up, the lights are off and Dawson is lying behind me. The TV is still on but the movie has stopped. I can see the weatherman giving tomorrow's forecast. Dawson's arms are around me and his hands rest on my stomach. I sigh at the irony.

I turn around in his arms and watch him sleep for a few minutes. I study his face and wonder how I got so lucky. I wonder why he still loves me, why he didn't give up on me years ago. And now that things are finally perfect, this had to go and happen. Why?

I trace his face with my fingers, memorizing each line and curve of his face. It's the face of the man I've loved as long as I can remember. We've been through so much that I don't know what I would do if I lost him now. Reaching his lips, I place a soft kiss on them. He sighs and his eyes flutter open. "Hey," he whispers hoarsely, still half asleep.

"Hey," I respond, kissing him again.

"Hmmmm…." he hums as I deepen our kiss. The kiss continues until we are both breathless. "What a way to wake up!" he chuckles and kisses my neck.

"Dawson!" I laugh. He continues to suckle at my skin until I pull him away. Though I love the feeling of his lips on me, a hickey on my neck isn't something I really want. Now, if it were lower, that would be another story…

We hold each other, his hands stroking my hair and mine wandering up and down his back. "Ready to talk?" he asks. I nod but remain silent, unsure of where to start. "First things first," he asks. "How did this happen, anyway? We were always so careful."

"No, we weren't! Remember Jack and Jen's Valentine's Day party?"

"That's right," he groans. "We were so wild that night! What were we thinking?"

"I don't think it was our brains that were doing the thinking," I snicker.

He chuckles and kisses me. "That's for sure!" 

"What are we going to do, Dawson?" I ask, tightening my arms around him.

"I don't know," he answers truthfully. We are both silent.

I break the silence. "What do you want?"

"I want whatever you want," he simply says.

"Dawson…" I sigh. "Stop being the sensitive male and be honest with me."

"Honestly, this whole thing scares the crap out of me," he admits. "I can't imagine getting rid of something that is part of us but..." 

"But?" I prompt him.

"But I also can't fathom being a father at 19," he finishes softly.

"So, that leaves adoption," I whisper. "Isn't that what we're left with?"

"I didn't say that adoption is what I wanted either," he protests. "Could you really do that? Give up our child?"

"No…" I breathe. "I don't think I could."

"So, now what?" 

I shake my head, unable to come up with an answer. I bury myself further into his arms, wanting to get away from the fact that ultimately, this decision is mine. It's my body and no matter what, I have the final say. That kind of responsibility terrifies me. 

"Forget about what you "should" do, what's most practical. What's your heart telling you to do? What does your heart want?" he probes.

A tear slips down my cheek when, for the first time, I let my emotions take over. "This is _our_ child, Dawson. Created from our love. How could I get rid of it or give it away?" I ask.

He pulls back from our embrace and lifts up my chin. "Well, I think we just got our answer," he smiles, kissing me gently on the mouth. I return his smile, hug him tightly and wonder if we've made the right choice…

*******************************

The next few days fly by. Things are better now that Dawson and I talked about the future. I don't feel insecure anymore. I am no longer wracked with terror that he will leave me. I trust that our love with get us through this.

We spend the weekend studying and hanging out with Mac and Harrison. On Friday, the four of us go to a movie and I find that I am able to forget about our situation for a few hours. Being around Harrison brings out Dawson's goofy side and their antics have both Mac and I laughing all night. 

Saturday found us at the beach, having a picnic. It was an unusually warm spring day and being near the calming ocean is exactly what I needed. We walked along the water's edge, holding hands and kicking at the waves. Dawson was kissing me when a wave crashed into the side of our legs. I squealed and he picked me up, pretending that he was going to throw me into the water. I begged him not to between my giggles. I called out to Mac for help but when she tried to help me, Harrison picked her up and threatened to throw her in as well. 

After this, Dawson and Harrison walked further down the beach to play a game of Frisbee. Mac and I lay side by side on our towels and talked. Without thinking about it, I told Mac the news. She was shocked, of course but reassured me that if I needed anything, she was here. I thanked her with tears in my eyes. She is a great friend.

  
We spent Saturday night, together, just the two of us. We reinstated Movie Night for the fun of it and enjoyed regressing for a while. Though we did enjoy just being together, we realized that things have changed so much since our movie nights of the past. I realized exactly how much things have changed when Dawson kissed me. Things heated up quickly and as Dawson pulled my shirt over my head, it flashed though my mind that we never used to do this on movie night!

I mimicked his actions and undressed him quickly. His fingers danced over my body and took my breath away. He kissed my neck, my shoulder, my breasts. He moved to my stomach and touched it with such reverence that tears ran down my face. I pulled his mouth back up to mine and kissed him again and again. We were still kissing when he entered me. 

Making love to Dawson has always been wonderful, magical, mind-blowing. But this time, it was even better, almost spiritual. I have always said that Dawson is my soulmate but now I truly believed it with ever fiber of my being. Tears slipped down my cheeks as we moved together and we didn't stop kissing until after we had collapsed in each other's arms, spent. We woke up each other frequently that night, each time better than the last.

Sunday was spent in Capeside with Mitch, Gale and Danni. The five of us spent a lot of time outside. Dawson and I played with his sister while Gale and Mitch sat nearby and watched us. I smiled as Danni grabbed my shirt and attempted to pull herself up. Dawson sat down next to me and tickled his sister. She giggled and hid in my arms. Dawson kissed my cheek and as I looked into his eyes, I knew. With Dawson is where I belong. Dawson is my home.

*********************************

On Monday morning, I wake up from a deep sleep. The day before with Dawson's family had worn me out. Instantly, I know something is wrong. I rush into the bathroom and I am terrified at what I see. Blood. Oh, God. What am I supposed to do? I have class in about an hour and a half. I call Dr. Matthews' office and they say I can come in right away. I then call my professor and tell her that I'm sick. I have never missed one of her classes so she excuses me from class without any questions. 

I shower quickly and dress even more quickly. I grab my purse and call a cab. I then dial Dawson's cell phone number as I rush down the stairs. I tell him tearfully what is going on. He can hear the fear in my voice and he calms me down quickly. He says he will meet me at the doctor's office. I tell him to hurry and that I love him before hanging up. 

I am so scared but no longer just for myself… 

*******************************

I sit in one of the examination rooms in Dr. Matthews' office. She is telling me that everything is fine, that I'm fine. She says that the bleeding is a little concerning but that I need to just take it easy for a while. She tells me that I am to do nothing too strenuous, only very moderate exercise. She looks at me pointedly, as if wondering if I understand what she is getting at. I blush, knowing exactly what she is talking about.

"So, no… sex," I say, still blushing furiously. 

"Well, not for a few days, no. If there is no more bleeding, you can start slowly," she explained to me. "Don't push yourself."

I nod, praying that his conversation will be over soon. She instructs me to let her know if the bleeding starts again. I promise to do so. She also advises that if something happens during non-business hours that I should just go to the Emergency Room. I thank her and resist the urge to hug her. It's times like this that I really wish my mom were still around.

I find Dawson waiting for me in the waiting room, a worried look on his face. When he sees me in one piece, he looks relieved. I grab his hand and tug him out of the doctor's office quickly. Seeing all the pictures of babies is really starting to get to me.

I endure 20 questions as we drive home and I summarize what Dr. Matthews told me. He hones in on the sex issue and I laugh at his one-track mind. Sometimes, he can be such a guy. I remind him that it's only a few days and that this doesn't mean he can't do "other things." He perks up and find myself laving kissing all over the side of his face that I can reach. He is too cute. I suddenly hope the next few days fly by. 

He seems relieved but I catch him glancing worriedly at me every so often over the next week. His over protectiveness starts to irk me but then I realize how very lucky I am that he cares about me so much. 

Strangely enough, as the days go by, I sort of become used to the idea that I'm pregnant. I even find myself daydreaming about what he or she will look like. Will he/she have my dark hair or Dawson's blond hair? Will he/she have Dawson's dimples? Dawson still seems unsure and scared but hell, so am I. But we have each other and that makes all the difference.

***************************

A week has past since we first found out. Things are slowly starting to return to normal. Well, as normal as possible, considering… I stare out the window, admiring the beautiful campus. Everything is so green. Spring has finally arrived and I couldn't be happier. The warmer weather seems to naturally lift my mood. At times, I find myself wishing it was summer so Dawson and I could enjoy the freedom it brings. 

Idly, I wonder if we're going to head back to Capeside for the summer or if we'll stay in Boston. With a start I realize that we need to start saving money and living at home would be the best way to do that. I have grown to love Boston and part of me wants to stay here but I know it's impractical. Anyway, as long as Dawson and I get to spend the summer together, I'll be happy. We haven't spent a summer together since our early teens. 

I wonder if I'll be showing by the time summer rolls around. God, everything is changing… and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. Where is Dawson anyway? Shouldn't his class be over by now? I sigh, studying the sidewalks below.

  
Suddenly, my cell phone rings and I answer it immediately. "Hey, gorgeous!" he says and I smile. 

"Where are you?" I ask, sitting down on the bed.

"The library. I'm gonna be a while," he answers apologetically.

"Dawson…." I almost whine. It's been a long week and I'm ready for some alone time with him.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, Jo. I should be done in about an hour. I'll shower and change and then come over. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I reply, grudgingly. "I'll call Jack and Jen and see what they want to do."

"Cool," he says and I hear Harrison calling his name in background. "I gotta go before Harrison has a heart attack." He laughs and I find myself smiling. "And Jo?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." Such simple words yet my heart skips a beat.

"I know," I laugh.

"Hey!" he protests, trying to sound hurt. 

Suddenly, I hear Harrison's voice crystal clear and I know that he has come over to personally pull Dawson away from the phone. "Let's go, Dawson. You'll see her in an hour. Bye, Joey!" I hear him try to yell into the phone. Dawson tells me good-bye through his laughter.   
  
"I love you," I say before he hangs up.

"I know," he chuckles before hanging up. I smile and shake my head as I press "End" on my phone. I stretch and wonder what I should do until Dawson picks me up. My gaze falls on my textbooks. Nah. A pile of laundry sits in my closet and I notice that at least half of it is Dawson's clothes. 

My eyes move to the pictures I have sitting on my dresser. I have one of Bessie, Bodie and Alex. Beside it is one of Dawson and I from our Junior Prom. I have it as a daily reminder of how much Dawson must've loved me to let me go and of what I almost lost by sailing off with Pacey. I will not make that mistake again. 

The next picture is one from this past Christmas. We were unwrapping presents at Dawson's house. Danni had been tearing up the wrapping paper and sticking it in her mouth. Gale had told her "No, no…" and had to repeatedly pull the paper out of her mouth. Dawson and I watched this struggle with amusement until Danni began crying. I had called her name and held my arms out to her. She had immediately crawled over to where I stood in Dawson's arms, drinking hot chocolate.

Gale had then walked by and smiled at her daughter. "Little stinker," she said lovingly as she ruffled Danni's hair. I rocked Danni in my arms as I leaned back into Dawson's arms. Gale was sneaky enough to capture this moment on film. Danni's head rests on my shoulder and she is facing the camera. My head rests against the top of hers and Dawson is whispering something into my ear. Both of us are smiling. The Christmas tree twinkles behind us. I love this picture. 

I move to the two remaining pictures. One is of Dawson and I underneath the mistletoe at Christmas. Our mouths had just parted and we're smiling. It was a wonderful moment. The second is of Jack, Jen, Dawson and I from when we had gone sightseeing about a month earlier. Jen had jumped on Jack's back and I had done the same to Dawson. In the picture, Jen's head rests on Jack's shoulder and both are smiling broadly. I am kissing Dawson's cheek and he is looking sideways at me, smiling.

So many wonderful memories. I wonder what kind of pictures I'll be adding to my collection in the near future. As a myriad of emotions wash over me, I wish again that Dawson was here instead of at the library. Maybe a hot shower will relax me…

************************

Jack and Jen pick us up around 6pm and we decide to go to our favorite hang-out, a karoke bar/restaurant. Both Jamie and Pacey work there, Jamie as a waiter and Pacey as a "chef." Jack and Jen have never heard Dawson and I's rendition of "Daydream Believer" so we finally relent and laugh our way through the song. I see Pacey watching from the kitchen at one point, a slight smile on his face. Has he finally started to accept our relationship? 

It is hard watching everyone drink but I have to content myself with Diet Coke. Dawson declines to drink at first but I tell him that if he wants to drink, he should. He protests adamantly for a while but I finally order him a beer. To his credit, it is the only one he drinks the entire night. Jack and Jen fill us in on all the Capeside gossip and even tell us about the new girl Pacey is dating, the girl from the BBQ, Brandi.

Dawson pulls out his newest picture of Danni and proudly shows it to Jack and Jen. I have to admit that she is very cute, very blonde hair framing the world's most charming smile. Both agree that they need to visit Capeside soon. Dawson tells them of Danni's upcoming birthday and we all agree to go back together. 

Jen entertains us with a story of almost getting caught with her new boyfriend, Charlie, by Grams. Seems Grams had been unable to sleep and was getting some warm milk when she heard some noises coming from her living room. Luckily, they heard Grams in time to duck under a blanket and pretend to be watching TV. I could just imagine how embarrassing it would be to get caught having sex by Grams, of all people.

Dawson then decides that he needs to tell our story of actually getting caught by my R.A., Andrea. It was in the early morning hours and we were returning from a party at Jamie's house. We were both drunk and things got quite heated in the stairwell. Jen gasps in surprise (I guess she still thinks of us both as prudes) and asks us how we could do this. I explain that we were quite drunk and that we didn't expect anyone to come by at 2 o'clock in the morning. Andrea was doing rounds and had um… interrupted us. I was so embarrassed but Dawson just laughed non-stop. 

Jack slyly asks what happened next and I glare at him. Jen slaps his shoulder, laughing. Dawson just shakes his head and holds up his hands in defeat. Jack notices my red face and looks at me knowingly. I change the subject quickly. We have tons of fun catching up with Jack and Jen… and singing, of course. But as the night wears on, I begin to feel terrible. Feelings of dizziness and nausea wash over me. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. 

A group of girls sings "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" loudly and this grates on my every nerve. I want to walk over to the karaoke machine and punch it, kick it, anything to shut up it up. I lay my head on Dawson's shoulder, watching Jack and Jen sing a slightly off-key rendition of "I Will Survive." 

I feel his warm lips brush my forehead and I clutch his hand. After Jen and Jack return to the table, Dawson makes an excuse about how he needs to study and I need to rest. Jen's eyes fall on me and sympathy radiates from her eyes. I can tell I look about as bad as I feel. 

  
We leave with promises to get together soon. On the drive home, I find my mind a million miles away from the car, away from the love of my life. I am jolted out of my reverie when I feel a hand touch my cheek. "What's wrong?" he asks softly.

It's then that I notice my cheeks are wet with tears. What _is_ wrong with me? Millions of women have been faced with my problem, many much younger than I am. Many have no support, no friends, no family. I have all these things plus the most wonderful man in the world. So why do I feel so sad, so angry?

I don't answer but slide out of the car and head up to my room. I feel him following me. I unlock my room and quickly change into my pajamas. I just want to go to bed and drift into oblivion for a few hours. I slip under the cover and feel him watching me. A few minutes later, he joins me. I try to force myself to fall asleep but instead, my mind is racing. Once again, I find myself wondering how I could have done this to my life, Dawson's life?

I try to hold back my tears but it's useless. They run down my face and wet my pillow. Suddenly, I find my hand nestled in his. This only makes me cry harder. He doesn't deserve this at all. "Jo?" he says tentatively. I just continue to cry. "Don't shut me out, Joey. Tell me what's wrong," he pleads, turning on his side to face me. I shake my head but feel everything bubbling just below the surface. I don't want this. I don't want to lose control. "Talk to me!" he demands in a loving tone.

I explode. "Everything is wrong, Dawson!" I sob and sit up, bent over with my head in my hands. "I hate this! I hate knowing that I screwed up everything! I hate not wanting something that's part of you and me! I don't want this baby! I don't! Why did this have to happen? Why?" I have lost control but I don't care. I am hitting my legs then my stomach as hard as I can but Dawson grabs my hands and stops me. The significance of what I was doing hits me hard. 

I continue to sob but now I am just saying his name over and over again, begging him to help me. He lets go of my hands and pulls me into his arms. He lets me cry until I am worn out. Soon, shuddering breaths are all I can mange. I close my eyes, trying to block out what had just happened. I clutch at his shirt, trying to pull him closer. He rocks me and my eyes drift shut…

*********************************

I wake the next morning to sunlight streaming through my window. Its warmth feels good on my face. Everything that happened the night before comes back to me and I feel horrible. Why am I so selfish? Dawson has already left for class and I wish I had woken up sooner so I could hug him and tell him that I didn't mean any of what I said. I love him so much…

I glance at the clock and realize that I have enough time for a quick run and a shower before his return. I vow to be waiting for him when his class is over. I haven't been exercising much lately so maybe doing so will make me feel better. I pull on my running clothes and clip my Walkman on my shorts. I think of seeing Dawson soon and a smile lights up my face as I head out...

**********************************

  
I return about a half an hour later, panting but feeling good. Usually, I run longer but I decided to take it easy today, per doctor's orders. A sharp cramp in my stomach almost knocks me to my knees. It hurts so badly that I can barely breathe. I lower myself to the floor and wait for the feeling to pass. I notice my cell phone is lying nearby and I pick it up to call Dawson. A wave of dizziness hits me and it's then that I see the blood. Too much blood. My cell phone drops from my hand and darkness narrows my field of vision. I whisper Dawson's name as everything goes black…

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
